


Hidden Scars

by Teemeah



Series: X Wives [2]
Category: Jrock, X JAPAN
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, F/M, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-02-19 21:03:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 21,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13132149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teemeah/pseuds/Teemeah
Summary: He has always been the quiet one in the band, along with Pata. The guys that never talk much in public and let the 'stars' of the band shower in the limelight. He did his job as best as he could and went home silently after gigs. He was never really interested in the limelight as much as Yoshiki was, nor did he crave the monetary gains of being a member of Japan's iconic metal band. Living silently, atoning for his sins was all he could do. He never shared his pain with anyone, the facade has always been unscratched. He couldn't be invisible, so being silent was the next best thing. He just wanted to live whatever was left of his life quietly, his scars forever hidden behind the surface. Little did he know that those scars will haunt him again, soon.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A HEATH fanfic. For the sake of this story, Heath will be fluent in English (I'm taking my liberties, hey, it's fiction :P)

**PRELUDE**

"Are you sure you're not coming?", Toshi raised an eyebrow at Heath, as they were walking out of the TV studio, the sound of their leather boots echoing on the tiled floor. Their Music Station performance just finished, and after a few minutes of usual backstage talk, photos and greetings, they all went their own way, like they always did. Yoshiki was off filming for his online channel, Sugizo disappeared with his Luna Sea members and Pata stayed behind to drink with his buddies. Toshi offered Heath a ride home, since the bassist had already sent his manager off with the company car, and was left without any means of transportation. Thus, when Heath refused the offer, Toshi was quite surprised. 

"How will you get home?", he asked, looking worried.

Heath laughed light-heartedly. Toshi took everything really seriously.

"I'll take the subway."

Toshi looked at him as if he just saw an alien in a Santa hat. 

"The... subway?"

Heath patted his best buddy's shoulder and smiled. "Come on, Toshi-kun. I'm not the Emperor or something. I regularly use the subway, it's not a big deal. Or did we become royalty suddenly?"

Toshi sighed. It's not like Heath wasn't right. Heath always hated the fuss around being a "rock star", and preferred a down-to-earth lifestyle. While they all had managers and assistants that drove them to official appearances, Heath liked to fend for himself. Their Music Station recording happened so late that he told his manager at around midnight to just take the company car and go home to his family. Unlike the other members, he also still lived in a small, rented apartment, where half of his living space was occupied by his musical instruments. He did have a private car, but not a fancy expensive one. The only luxury he allowed himself were his bass guitars and related quality equipment. Toshi had no idea where he would spend all his share of the income, including the royalties. Because it always seemed like Heath never spent much money on anything. 

"OK, as you like. But send me a message when you get home.", he looked firmly at the bassist and Heath gave a half-smile. Toshi totally took over Hide's "job" since the reunion, getting all worried and hyped up about the well-being of his band mates, asking Pata to drink less, scolding Sugizo for going almost half-naked in winter ("You'll catch a cold! Oh, stop admiring your torso in the mirror, here, drink this hot citrus tea. Honey, honey, don't forget to put honey in it!") and once he literally spanked Yoshiki's butt with a selfie stick when their leader forgot his neckbrace before drum practice. It used to be Hide's job to kick their asses, and Toshi transitioned to this role without a word. Maybe he was just getting old, and therefore a little more sensitive, but it was heart-warming to know that his friend cared for each of them. 

* * *

 He was wearing a long black coat with a large hoodie, sunglasses and a huge scarf as he boarded the subway, so nobody would recognise him. He actually liked riding the subway. And buses, too. It gave him a sense of freedom, a sense of normalcy. As he was walking home amidst the Christmas lights of the street, he took deep breaths of the clean, crisp, cold winter air. Moments like these provided short-term joy, a peaceful mind, and a clear head.

As he approached the building, a 10-apartment block in the quiet suburbs, he noticed the light coming from the apartment next to his. It was unusual because at that hour the neighbourhood was already dark, apart from the seasonal Christmas lights hanging from the light posts. So, the place was finally rented out. The owner had been complaining that he couldn't find anyone for months. Looks like he finally succeeded. He carefully entered the numbers on the digital door lock and as the door closed behind him, he switched on his lights. Undressing, he headed for the bathtub to ease the tension in his muscles. A long day had ended again, and yet another was about to begin.


	2. Chapter 2

Drip. 

Drip.

The sound of dripping became louder and louder in his ears, red flashing through his eyes, as the blood pool became larger and larger, the dripping faster and faster and his heart was about to break out of his ribcage. He awoke gasping for air, trickles of sweat dwindling down his forehead and temple. As he sat up and rested his head in his palms, bending forward in his bed, he still heard the noises. But it wasn't dripping. Someone was knocking on his door. He glanced at the clock beside his bed, it was past 10 am. Did he actually forget to set his alarm?

The knocking continued and he crawled out of his bed, pulling on a pair of jeans from the wardrobe. He wasn't expecting to find a _gaijin_ woman smiling at him on his doorstep. He really had to blink a couple of times. 

"Hi", she said, raising her hand to wave at him but he was still unsure if he were dreaming. He must have looked pretty unwelcome, as her smile turned to an embarrassed lip-biting and she nervously ran her hand through her short, blonde hair. 

"I'm really, awfully sorry to disturb you... I saw the light from under the door and..... um...", she began but as he just stood there in silence, clutching at the door handle with his right hand, his left arm resting on the door frame, his upper body completely naked, his long, black hair disheveled, he must have appeared to look like some vagabond or a lone wolf about to bite, and her voice faltered. 

"Do... do you... speak English?", she asked suddenly, and Heath realized she took his silence as a sign of him not understanding her words. He cleared his throat and nodded, which made her gave a sigh of relief, and her eyes lit up. He noticed they had an unusual color: green with sporadic spots of gold. 

"That's fantastic. I mean... I'm really sorry to bother you but... I just moved in to this apartment", she motioned towards the door opposite his, "and... I just found out the tap is dripping. Could you..."

Heath closed his eyes for a split second. No, not another helpless lady neighbour, please. The type of women who would come over to ask for favors, because the tap is dripping, the window is stuck and the water heater doesn't work. He seriously deliberated shutting the door in her face or tell her to call a maintenance company but damn his Japanese politeness, he just lowered his head waiting for the favor to be asked. 

"Could you lend me an adjustable spanner, please? For a few seconds only. My kit hasn't arrived yet, most of my stuff is still at the customs warehouse, and the dripping makes me go crazy."

Heath blinked a couple of times again, and shook his head to clear his mind.

"A what...?"

"Adjustable spanner."

Seeing his blank look, she quickly must have realized that he had no idea what those English words meant and she fished her phone out of the pocket of her jogging pants and quickly looked the word up in the dictionary.

" _Monkiirenchi_?", she uttered hesitantly, totally butchering the pronunciation of the word, but in such a cute way that Heath actually found himself giggling. 

"Oh, _monkiirenchi_. I see. You know how to use?", he asked raising an eyebrow and she smiled back at him, putting her phone away. 

"I can fix a dripping tap, provided I have the right tool. Looks like the nut is loose at the base. I just need a spanner."

Heath nodded in a appreciative manner, and turned around to open the built-in cabinet of his hallway, where he kept his tool kit. A woman that can fix a dripping tap. That was something new for him although he wasn't sure the _gaijin_ lady really knew what she was doing. He handed her the spanner, which she thanked him for, and she headed back to her apartment. There were only two apartments on each floor, placed at the opposite ends of the short corridor. 

"You sure you can do it on your own?", he asked despite himself and she waved the spanner back at him smiling.

"You can check if you want."

Hesitantly, Heath closed his own door and walked over to her place, being lead by his curiosity. Fixing a tap was not something Japanese women would ever set out to. He was indeed curious. Barefoot, and wearing only his jeans, he peeked into her apartment. The place was indeed looking like someone just moved in, with boxes on the floor, piles of clothes in a corner and the kitchen cupboards all opened, a cleaning cloth lying on the kitchen counter. She was now kneeling at the kitchen counter, using the spanner in a very skilled manner, tightening the nut. In a few moments, she was done, and stood up with a satisfied sigh. 

"Thank you for the spanner", she handed the tool over to him and he nodded.

"I have never seen a woman use a _monkiirenchi_.", he admitted with widened eyes and she laughed, running her hand through her hair. 

"I like these kind of things. Fixing stuff. I'm an engineer, you know."

"Really?", he asked, still standing in the doorway, in nothing but his pair of jeans. 

"Your feet aren't cold?", she asked suddenly, and he glanced down at his very noticeably reddening feet and gave a faint, surprised 'oh'. He didn't even notice he was barely dressed. She offered him a pair of slippers but suddenly he felt embarrassed and refused it, quickly saying goodbye, heading back to his own home, leaving her alone probably wondering who this vagabond-looking rude dude might be.

Just as he closed his own door again behind him, Heath realized he left all his lights on for the night in the hallway. He had a rough night and he desperately needed a strong coffee to kick his morning off. He quickly put the spanner away and slipped his cold feet into his slippers.   

 


	3. Chapter 3

The ramen place he used to frequent was a small booth near their building, which was almost always empty around 10 am, after the initial rush of morning commuters dwindled, and before lunchtime rush hour started. That's when he would go down to get a healthy bowl of _tonkatsu_ ramen and some _ebi furai_ , or fried shrimp. He disliked crowds, not only because people would recognise him and stare but also because he just preferred to eat in silence. The owner, an old lady who made ramen with hand-pulled noodles, already knew him and when he appeared she would immediately register a serving of the same menu, every day, without asking anything. 

As he stepped in and nodded towards the old lady, she gave him her trademark warm welcome smile and immediately reached out for a ramen bowl to prepare his usual order. He sat down at the far end of room, at his usual table, and started reading the newspaper he brought with himself. The place was quiet and warm, only had four small wooden tables, each with two chairs, and a counter with an open view to the one-person kitchen. The furniture was already old and worn, with scratch marks of long years of service, and the interior was simplistic and rural, but he liked that. It wasn't a fancy place, but the food was always fresh and tasty. It reminded him of his mother's cooking. There was only one other customer in, but he didn't pay attention to that.

His order arrived soon and Mama Itsuko, as she was affectionately called by her customers, placed the steaming hot bowl of ramen and the small plate of fried shrimps on the table.

"Your order, Hiroshi-kun", she smiled at him and he smiled back, nodding silently, picking up the chopsticks and the spoon provided, folding the chopsticks between his fingers, to quietly say _itadakimasu_ , or "thank you for the food" and then started to dig into the delicious ramen.

To this interaction between him and the owner, the lady sitting across him at the other table, looked up from her smartphone and gave a surprised 'oh!'. Heath glanced up from his bowl and realized he was sitting across his new gaijin neighbour. _Oh, indeed_. He politely nodded to her and turned back to his bowl, but then suddenly he heard her voice again. _Oh no, not conversations during meals_. He hated that.

"Hi! It's good to see you again. How's your feet?", she asked cheerfully and Heath almost choked on his noodles. Gaijin women had strange conversation strike-ups. He gave a faint, but rather embarrassed half-smile and nodded towars her.

"Hi. It's... ok. Thank you."

"I just found this little place as I was cheking out the neighbourhood. Such a lovely place, and the food is incredibly tasty", she continued, bending a little over her table, her eyes smiling. He blinked, swallowing a batch of noodles and nodded to her again.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, I don't want to disturb your meal. It just occurred to me that we didn't even introduce ourselves yesterday. Do you mind if I join you? I don't really know anyone here yet, and we are neighbours, so...", she began and cut her sentence in the middle, biting her lips.

She probably realized that Japanese people weren't so right-off-the-bat into getting friendly. But she looked desperate, and Heath could imagine that it was difficult for someone just moving to a foreign land, not speaking the local language, to find people they could talk to sometimes. He knew this feeling very well, when he was living in Los Angeles during the Dahlia recording. It was a nightmare. And he was grateful to all those gaijins who were kind enough to befriend him and help him with his English at that time, and eased his loneliness and homesickness. He sighed, as he already knew he was going to help her, despite his best efforts to just live quietly. 

"I don't mind if you join me", he said quietly, and her eyes lit up, the golden spots becoming brighter in her iris. She picked her shoulderbag and phone up and moved to his table, settling down. 

"Did you order already?", he asked her, and she nodded. 

"I already finished my ramen. It was sooo delicious. I'm waiting for a new batch of curry rice, I think she said it takes around half an hour? I hope I understood it right...".

Heath smiled at her and then turned his head towards the counter, asking Mama Itsuko about the curry. She replied joyfully and Heath laughed.

"It's indeed half an hour. She has to cook a new batch of sauce. But if you are very hungry she can get you some fries in the meantime. I mean, Japanese fries, not.... potato. "

She laughed whole-heartedly and then shook her head.

"It's OK. I can wait."

"So you understand some Japanese?", he asked, finishing his bowl of ramen in the meantime, wiping his mouth with a paper napkin. "You understood it's half an hour."

"I speak some rudimentary basic stuff. Well, _speak_ is an overstatement. I probably butcher the pronunciation", she chuckled and Heath smirked. 

"I figured if I move here, I will need a few handy phrases. But it's work in progress. Oh.. yeah. I still haven't introduced myself", she offered him a hand for shaking and he accepted.

"My name is Gina", she said casually and then she pulled a name card out of her bag, handing it over to him. Heath accepted, and glanced down at the card.

"Kiss? Your last name... is Kiss?", his eyebrows went up and he heard her giggle.

"Yeah, it strikes foreigners all the time. I'm Hungarian, you know? It's pronounced as "keesh", and it means "Little" or "Small"."

"Hungary? Wow. Your English sounds pretty... American to me. Mmm. Lead mechanical engineer at Honeywell?", he mumbled and glanced up looking in awe. Gina gave him a wide smile. 

"I know. People don't expect this job description when they look at me. I always loved dismantling stuff, and re-building them again."

"And what does it mean? I mean, what do you actually do?"

"My company sent me here on a two year project that we do together with Mitsubishi Heavy Industries. I will be designing some support structures for them. It's quite a challenge but I'm up fot it!"

"That sounds interesting, actually. I honestly have never met a woman who was an engineer. But I rarely meet male engineers, anyways, either."

They both laughed and she bent a little closer to him across the table.

"And what about you?"

Oh. He completely forgot to introduce himself, indeed.

"Ah... me... I'm.... My first name is Hiroshi and my last name is Morie. And I don't have a business card."

She nodded pursing her lips. 

"May I ask what you do?", she asked cheekily. He hesitantly picked up an already cold fried shrimp from his plate and started munching on it slowly.

"I'm a musician."

She placed her hand under her chin and looked at him with a glance that indicated she wanted to know more. He hated talking about his band's fame. 

"What do you play?", she asked then, seeing his silence.

"Bass."

"Oh! Is it jazz bass, or you play in a rock band?", her voice got excited and Heath closed his eyes for a split second. _Not another fan, please, not another fan_. 

"Rock band."

"That's awesome!", she exclaimed with a little scream that surprised him and made Mama Itsuko turn her head, too. Gina picked up her phone and started fiddling with it, then after a few seconds, she turned towards him and showed him the screen. There was a black and white photo on it, depicting apparently a rock band.

"My dad used to play bass in this rock band. They were called the Starrockers, and they were really a big deal in Hungary in the early 80s. They had platinums and stuff. My dad doesn't play professionally anymore, but he produces other artists and teaches bass occassionally. Wow! I would have never imagined that the first person I meet in Japan would be a bass player. It's .... simply amazing", she was bubbling happily and Heath watched her half amazed and half scared. Helpless, he smiled back at her, rather awkwardly.

"Then you understand music, I guess?", he asked, while Gina's curry order arrived. She politely thanked the old lady in Japanese and also performed the little itadakimasu ritual, as Japanese do. She actually looked cute while doing it. As she started stuffing the curry down, she nodded back at him.

"I picked up a few things from my dad, but I don't play any instruments. Much to the bitterness of my dad, actually. He was totally all about trying to teach me to play, but I was more interested in what's actually _in_ the bass guitar, and one day I simply disassembled his pretty expensive Fender. After that he never actually let me close to his instruments again", she chuckled and Heath couldn't help but chuckle with her.

"To my defense, I was barely 11 and I was _reall_ y interested in electronics. I actually debated with myself, whether to study electrical engineering or mechanical engineering. I love both. Give me anything, I will take it apart. But - I will also rebuild it. I totally rebuilt my dad's Fender, too. He still has it, and it works!", she announced proudly and Heath laughed out. He actually was having fun. 

"I'd totally love to check your band out. Do you play nearby?", she looked at him questioningly, while he finished his own plate of shrimps. He hesitantly nodded.

"We do play.... nearby. Sometimes...."

"Please let me know when you play next. I'd totally go. Well, if you don't mind, that is. Not sure how it works here in Japan, if they have an admission fee at clubs or tickets or....But it doesn't matter, I'm in whatever the fees are. I love rock music. But I honestly have no clue about Japanese music. Since I will live here quite some time, I might as well just jump straight in, right?", she looked at him cheerfully and he hummed. 

"Yeah, why not..."

"That's awesome, thank you!", she smiled, and went on to finish her bowl of curry with a great appetite. Heath wasn't really sure what to think of their whole conversation, so he just sighed silently and asked Mama Itsuko for the bill.


	4. Chapter 4

Spending New Year's Eve alone in a foreign land wasn't exactly fun. Gina really didn't want to be out and about alone at night, so she figured it would be best to just indulge in some delicious food, sip some hot chocolate and watch Japanese TV, even if she didn't understand anything. Browsing the English language TV guide, she saw a music programme named Red & White Song Battle that seemed interesting. At least, there won't be much talking there, she thought. It was fun. Lots of genres, interesting outfits and some really catchy songs were on display, but there were also some cringe-worthy performances she gasped at. Japanese pop music was truly a phenomenon. 

She was happily munching on some crisps when suddenly she caught sight of a familair face. She leaned closer to the screen with her mouth agape. 

"No way."

But there he was, her bassist neighbour, on national TV. She glanced at the corner of the screen, where they displayed the artist names. X JAPAN.

"X Japan. X Japan", she mumbled to herself, as the short performance ended and she quickly rose to fetch her laptop. 

She googled them real quickly and bit her lips as she was reading their Wikipedia article.

"Holy shit. This is like..... the genesis of rock in Japan... And I asked him if they play in a nearby club....", she facepalmed herself, hissing in embarrassment.

But he didn't look like a celebrity. He was wearing plain jeans, he lived in this apartment that barely measured 50 square meters, in the very cheap outskirts of the city and he ate at ramen booths. True, her dad wasn't the kind of glittery celebrity, either, but they did live in a large house, and both of her parents owned at least two cars. She assumed, based on his living conditions, that his band was probably a local gig, playing at smallish clubs. Not a 30 million seller metal god that sold out entire stadiums. 

"How embarrassing", she mumbled, and sighed.

He looked like a nice person, though. He really appeared to be reserved and very quiet, but that was actually appealing. He was also strikingly _beautiful_. Not just plain handsome, his features were ethereal almost, the high cheekbones, the almond eyes. He had really long fingers, well suited for a bassist. While they were chatting in the eatery, she forgot her eyes on him quite a lot of times. Even though he seemed distant, she still didn't feel awkward around him. Quite the contrary, she felt comfortable and safe. He had a strange aura that drew her in, since the first moment he opened his door, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans.

She wondered why he would be living there, in a cheap apartment, when obviously his band was a big deal. She spent the rest of New Year's Eve browsing YouTube, checking out X Japan and also their bassist's solo work. _Heath_. His stage name suited him, she smiled to herself. 


	5. Chapter 5

He was teaching kids at the welfare center. She accidentally discovered this while befriending a British lady living in the next apartment block, who taught English at the same center. As they became friends with Steph, Gina started to talk about her mysterious long haired rockstar neighbour. Steph appeared not to have been aware of his celebrity status, she simply knew him as Morie-sensei.

 

"Yeah, he comes twice a week usually and gives free lessons to kids from disadvantaged families. He's always very... reserved though. I rarely see him smile, except when he is with the kids", she said as they were sitting in a Hello Kitty themed cafe sipping sakura latte. The sakura season has just begun, and in the past couple of months Gina got used to living in Tokyo, began understanding her way around the city, and diligently studied Japanese. In April, she would have to start working. 

"Interesting. I wonder why he is doing that. Not really something you imagine a rock star doing", Gina pondered and Steph took another sip of her quickly disappearing, tasty coffee. 

"Well, if he lives in our neighbourhood in a regular apartment, I guess he doesn't really think of himself as a rock star. I would have never guessed he was famous. But then again, what do I know about Japanese celebrities? Not much. I like my Beatles and my Queen, ha!"

"But," she added after a while, "this actually explains why the Japanese teachers at the welfare center treat him with utmost respect. I have never seen our director bow so low to anyone before, ha! I was wondering actually why he would be so welcoming with someone who just teaches bass. I mean, no offense, but other subjects are kind of more important. And we do our best to help these children get extra lessons and aid in their studies so they can compete with the more well-off. Morie-sensei always gets the best cookies from the chef at the welfare center. I was kind of a little jealous of him, ha!"

They both laughed and the topic then turned to the sakura season and shopping spring clothes, but Gina kept thinking about Morie-sensei teaching bass to the kids.

About a week later she used her friend as an excuse to actually visit the welfare center on a Friday, one of the two days, the other being Tuesday, when Hiroshi gave lessons there. Although they came across each other a few times leaving their apartments, at the nearby grocery store or at the ramen place, he didn't seem to be in the mood to chat longer than a few minutes and Gina was almost literally craving his company. She had so many questions, it started to actually bother her. Is she going nuts over a 50 something rocker? 

But it couldn't be helped, the mysterious, quiet daddy-long-legs intrigued her like no man before.

Steph told her that his lessons started at 3pm, so she arrived shortly before that, wandering around the building, observing an exhibition made from the children's drawings and some of them were so cute she started to smile despite herself. As she was watching a haphazard but insanely cute drawing of a black cat from a 6 year old boy, she heard a familiar voice behind her. 

"Gina?"

She felt her heartbeats quickening. It was unmistakably his raspy voice. She turned around trying to smile and cursed at herself for being nervous like a teen before her first date.

"Oh, hi Hiroshi!"

A few weeks before they agreed to just call each other by their first names, since in English that was more convenient than adding Japanese honorifics. 

His eyes were definitely questioning what she was doing there and she quickly motioned towards the end of the corridor they were standing at.

"My friend Steph works here as an English teacher. The blonde British lady, maybe you know her."

He nodded. "Yes. I do."

He was carrying a guitar case and was dressed casually, nothing fancy, just jeans and a black shirt, half open on his chest. The weather was getting warm, he had no jacket on. 

"You also work here, I heard", she added and he nodded again, slightly. Gina gave an awkward smile. She guessed that he may have realized she came here on purpose. 

"Have you been teaching here for a long time?", she asked to keep conversation going and he nodded again, in the Japanese manner. 

"Since I live here."

"Oh. And how long is that, if I may ask?"

"Since I moved to Tokyo from my home town in the 90s. I always lived in this neighbourhood. Not always the same house, but around here", he replied, with a hint of pride in his voice. 

Wow, that was quite a piece of information. So he taught bass to entire generations of Japanese kids? How did the media never discover that?

He quickly checked his watch and then looked at Gina apologetically.

"I will need to go now, my lesson starts soon."

She said 'of course' but then suddenly, she also didn't quite know why, she quickly asked him if she could join a lesson. He looked at her with a strange expression in his eyes for a moment and she started backing out, apologising for her rushed request but unexpectedly, he replied she could join if she wanted to. He turned his back on her and started walking towards the other end of the long corridor of the U-shaped building. His long, steady strides somehow gave Gina reassurance.

As he opened the door of the classroom, four boys and two girls of roughly 10 to 12 year old immediately jumped up and ran to him, hugging him and excitedly calling his name. He laughed. Genuinely, happily, like a puppy and she became mesmerised. He was so different now, so unfamiliar and yet still familiar in a way. He turned around to introduce her as "a lady who will watch your performance today", and the children obediently bowed to her and she couldn't but smile and wave at them and say hello in Japanese.

Each kid had their own bass, and he was very patient with all of them. He corrected them individually, explained terms in a kind manner and apparently made little jokes, because the kids were giggling at times. Of course Gina couldn't understand everything in Japanese, sitting at the back of the class watching him instruct the children. Steph told her that Hiroshi donated more than 50 bass guitars to the welfare center, and he kept refreshing them with newer models from time to time. Kids who were dedicated to learning the craft could keep the bass. 

She wondered why he decided to do this, and why he kept doing it for over 30 years, diligently, regularly, even though he had obvious obligations and contracts to keep as an active musician. 


	6. Chapter 6

It was hard not to notice she liked him. Heath wasn't particularly an expert on women like Sugizo, but he wasn't stupid. She kept popping up at the ramen place and tried to chat him up in the nearby konbini. She even found out about his bass lessons at the welfare center. She blushed when she smiled at him. He wasn't sure how to handle this.

Of course he was used to female fans adoring him, waving at him, screaming his name during concerts and cosplaying him at events. There were some he briefly dated, but he never let anyone close to his heart. Not a single one of them ever entered his apartment. For the past 30 years, no woman has ever set their foot into his place, he didn't even have a cleaning lady. His manager was a guy, his hairdresser was a guy, his close friends were all male. The only regular females in his life were an interpreter he used to employ when his English was still subpar, and Mama Itsuko, who kind of silently watched over him like a grandmother. 

And there she was, bubbling about Hungarian food, in his kitchen, looking for a saucepan he - of course - didn't have, and he was just standing there in the still open doorway, kind of shocked and in disbelief, as if a fairy popped out of the woods fluttering around in a glittering tutu, waving her magic wand. However hard he was thinking, he couldn't remember the moment he invited her in. Because he didn't. 

It was a few days after their school meeting, and he was down with the flu. He kept walking around without a jacket, and spring weather was still deceitful, he caught the dreaded thing and had to be in bed for two days. He was feeling a lot better now and was about to go down for his usual ramen dose, when she rang the bell. 

"Hi!"

She was all smiles, holding a grocery bag in her left hand.

"How are you feeling? Mama Itsuko told me you were down with the flu. I kind of got a little worried, so I brought some ingredients and I will make you nice Hungarian chicken broth, that's the absolute best remedy for flu", she stated convincingly and before he could say anything, she let herself in and went straight to the small kitchen. 

"Do you have a saucepan? A casserole would do, too", she smiled at him and he was still staring at her as if she went nuts. 

"You are not wearing any slippers, again", she pointed at his bare feet, and he reluctantly glanced down at them and sighed. 

"Go get some slippers, you're gonna reinfect yourself with that flu if you are not careful", she gave him a stern look and he closed the door and reached into the small cabinet for a pair of slippers reluctantly.

"I'm fine, I was just about to go down for ramen...", he began but she cut his sentence in half.

"I found this casserole, it'll do!", she lifted the item up triumphantly and picked up a knife, starting to cut carrots. Heath blinked in disbelief and finally found his own, still hoarse voice. 

"Excuse me... What are you doing in my kitchen?"

"Chicken soup", she answered casually and smiled at him, as she reached into the shopping bag for an onion. 

"And what if I say, I'm vegan?", he weakly retorted but he already knew his game was lost.

"Oh come on, you eat beef ramen all the time. Don't worry, it won't be long. I will make the soup, see you to eat it, and I'll be gone in a minute", she winked at him and continued making the soup as if this has always been her kitchen.

He stood there watching her for a few moments, her small hands diligently slicing meat and vegetables, and suddenly his heart started aching so much, he had to place his hand on his chest. He quickly turned away and silently retreated to his bedroom.


	7. Chapter 7

He was just standing there, leaning his back against the door of his bedroom, clutching his chest, with his eyes closed, trying to breathe. The pain subsided, slowly flowing out of his body like a streamlet. He should tell her to leave. He should grab her arm and drag her to the door and shut it on her face. This was dangerous ground, that they were treading on, and he had been living a quiet life in solitude up until now, which perfectly suited his needs. She turned all that upside down with her nosiness, making his nightmares worse and more frequent recently. He didn't sleep well. 

Heath heaved a big sigh and massaged the bridge of his nose, then slowly turned around and rested his forehead agianst the cool door panel. That gave him temporary relief of his developing headache. It wasn't her fault. She was not aware of who she was developing feelings for, he should not blame her. He swallowed and lifted his head, finally ready to go back and face her.

"You okay?", she asked with a worried look on her face as he emerged from his room and he tried to smile a little. 

"Yeah, just... didn't sleep well last night", he answered, telling her a partial truth. The soup was cooking on the stove and he had to admit, the smells coming from the pot were mouth-watering. His stomach grumbled loudly and Gina started giggling. 

"Well, looks like someone's a bit hungry. It's gonna be done in about half an hour."

Heath nodded and sat down on a bar stool at the kitchen counter. He had no tables in his home, he usually ate at the kitchen counter, that had two bar stools next to each other. Gina stayed on the other side of the counter, leaning against it, looking at him curiously.

"I haven't seen you around for a few days so I got a little worried", she said softly but Heath didn't look at her and kept watching the stove.

"What is in it?", he asked after a few moments of silence and Gina gave a little sad smile. He changed the topic, and she knew what that meant. She was a little worried about this response herself. She hesitated so much whether to do this at all, but she was really quite worried about him, when Mama Itsuko told her about him being sick. It's not like she asked the old lady directly, but Mama Itsuko had enough experience to understand why her eyes were combing through the ramen booth every day at the same time. 

"Morie-san has gone down with the flu. I have been sending ramen up to his room with an errand boy", she winked at Gina gently and then went to serve her customers. Gina was grateful her Japanese progressed significantly in the past months to roughly understand Mama Itsuko's words. Hiroshi was ill, and she had to do something about it. But she was not sure how the man would react to her sudden appearance and nosiness. Well, now she knew. She felt sadness flowing through her for a moment, as she remembered Steph's words the last time they met at their favourite Hello Kitty cafe.

"Japanese men don't really care about foreign women, dear. If I were you, I wouldn't get my hopes up. We are too big, too rough and too liberal for their taste. I speak from experience, believe me. I spent a few years dating here and .... well, it never ended well with Japanese guys. I suggest you date in the expat community, seriously dear."

"It's my grandma's recipe. Chicken parts, onion, garlic, parsley, carrots, potato and kohlrabi in bouillon base. It's amazing, I ensure you", she answered him and he nodded.

"Wait... What is kohlrabi?", he asked confused and she giggled. 

"That's exactly what 99% of sellers at the market asked, too! But I didn't give up and on the internet I found a farm near Tokyo that has kohlrabi. It's a vegetable, has a kind of subtle sweet taste. We use it a lot in Hungarian cuisine, but it's not very well-known outside of Germany and Central Europe."

Heath nodded again. "Well, we will see how it tastes."

Awkward silence befell them, and Heath cleared his throat. "How's your work going?"

"Oh, it's going well, thanks. I started designing for the project, so I'm mostly working from home at this stage. I don't really want to travel to the office all the time, it's a little far. Thankfully, my bosses think they don't really need a foreign woman in an all-Japanese office, so they let me work from home, apart from a few personal meetings with the customers", she said with a wry smile, sweeping a lock of hair away from her forehead, He noticed she did that a lot when she was nervous. 

"Do you think they discriminate you because you are a foreigner?", he asked and she suddenly looked up at him surprised. He was always reading her like a book. 

"No... I didn't... mean it like that. I mean... yes, maybe a little... I feel a little lonely here. Apart from Steph, I... don't really have any friends here", she mumbled and went to the stove to check on the soup - an excuse to look away from his face.

"You don't consider me a friend?", he asked casually and her breath stuck in. What should she say to this? 

"Of course I do... But I mean... I'm... Ah, I don't know", she sighed, lowering her head. 

"I don't know what to consider you as", she said on a low voice and Heath closed his eyes for a moment. 

"Friend. You can consider me a friend", he said finally and she turned to him. He had a small crooked smile on his face and that made her smile too. That was a clear message. He had this natural ability to guide her to an understanding without actually hurting her feelings. She was grateful for this but a part of her became really sad. Steph was right.


	8. Chapter 8

 The soup was warm and savory, and tasted just as good as it smelled. Heath gulped it down enjoying every sip, despite himself. This was almost better than ramen. Almost. He put the empty bowl down and sneaked a peak towards the pot on the stove. 

"Some more?", Gina giggled and he gave a wide grin, his first genuine smile in days. She ladled another portion into his bowl and he devoured it. Gina felt genuinely happy watching him eat, and listening to the joyful sounds of swallowing huge scoops of the savory soup.

 There was literally no one who could ever refuse her chicken soup. She knew he would like it. It was light like a good ramen broth, infusing all the freshness of the vegetables. Since there was no way she could buy the soup noodles suitable for it, she cut the vegetables into smaller pieces as opposed to leaving them intact as was habitual in Hungarian cooking, to make the soup hearthier and compensate for the lack of noodles. It worked. 

"Ah, this was really, really good.  _Hontoni_ ", he emphasized, handing her the empty bowl and she placed it into the sink. 

"I'm glad you liked it", she replied and started doing the washing up, to which Heath started protesting, to no avail.

"I barged into your home and made a mess of your kitchen, it's natural that I should clean up after myself", she winked at him and he sighed. This woman did whatever she wanted, and that sort of appealed to him. 

"All right, but what should I do then? Sit around and watch?"

"You could play me some bass, I like listening to music while doing housework", she replied, grabbing the sponge.

Heath nodded and fecthed his favourite white Fernandez, which was already quite worn, fragments of the paint coming off at the sides. He plugged it into the amplifier and set the volume. 

"Won't the neighbours complain?", Gina asked suddenly concerned. 

"The whole apartment is sound-proof. I often practice here", he answered, not looking up, his long fingers fiddling with the tuners and the knobs. 

"So you do spend some money on star-like stuff", she snickered and he couldn't help but smile.

"I'm not frugal. I just... don't need things. I don't like fancy stuff, I have what I need, I buy what I need."

"That's a good life philosophy", she agreed, starting to wash the bowls. Heath began playing a deep, groovy tune and she automatically started bobbing her head and swaying her hips. It was a nice groove, kind of jazzy. 

He watched her enjoying his music while her small hands efficiently cleaned up the kitchen and he didn't even notice he was smiling all along. 

"We have a concert next week, before the band leaves for the US. You mentioned you'd want to check us out", he said suddenly and Gina stopped scrubbing the pot. She did say that but at the time she was quite unaware of the status of his band.

"Umm... Do you think tickets are still on sale?", she asked all honestly and Heath laughed out loud. She was really cute. 

"No I don't think so. But you have a magical entry card, you know?", he said, pointing to his own chest. Gina smiled at his clever response but shook her head.

"I can't accept that, I don't want to be a burden on you and it wouldn't be fair..."

"You cooked for me, I take you to concert. I think it is fair deal. Food is expensive in this country", he looked at her with his eyes smiling and she couldn't resist anymore. 

"Okay... I'm sure it's going to be a blast."

Heath smirked under his unexisting moustache and started playing a mellowy, sad tune, his eyes raving into the distance. 

"Just wait until you see me in make-up."


	9. Chapter 9

The crowd was incredibly big. All sorts of people, across all ages, waiting patiently to be let in the huge arena. Lots of young folks, too, dressed up imitating the band members' styles, with sky-high updos and faithfully copied make-up. It was a sight to behold. Many were chanting verses from the songs, others had their photos taken while showing the X sign with their hands - the trademark of the band. It felt like being initiated into a cult. To Gina's surprise, a lot of foreigners were also there, many in cosplay, too.

"Wow...", she exhaled as they tried to get through the crowd to the side entrance dedicated to VIP ticket holders. As much as Gina objected, Heath gifted her two VIP tickets to the first of three nights at the Makuhari Messe concert hall, capable of fitting more than 30 thousand spectators. Steph wasn't exactly excited to join a Japanese heavy metal concert but Gina begged her to accompany her, it would have felt awkward to go alone. She was just as bedazzled by the sight of cosplayers as Gina was.

"I've never seen anything like this, quite honestly, dear... And I've been to many concerts before", she said as they lined up at the VIP entrance. The line here was going pretty quickly, VIP holders could watch the rehearsal before the concert. Heath instructed Gina to send him a message once they got inside. She hesitated at first, but didn't want to go back on her word.

"You sure it's okay if I go, too?", Steph asked looking a little worried, but Gina smiled at her warmly.  
"Of course it's okay, he gave two tickets, and I don't want to go alone anyways. It'd be... awkward".

"Well," Steph laughed, "it's not gonna be more awkward than for me, not knowing anything about these guys, at all".

"I don't know anything about them, either", Gina lied. She figured it was the best not to let anyone know at this point that she had already watched every YouTube video available about X Japan. "I just came because Heath invited me. I mean, us."

They were standing at the side of the stage, right where the barriers were set up, with other VIP ticket holders. A few minutes after she sent the text message, a small Japanese man approached the barrier exactly where they have been standing and waved at them.

"Hi! Miss Gina and... Miss Stephanie?", he asked politely and as they nodded, he instructed the security guards to open the barrier up for them. They got quite a few nasty looks from fans behind them, and there were questions bombarded at the security guards, probably asking why these two _gaijin_ women were let in. The small man introduced himself as Tanaka, Heath's manager.

"He told me you would be coming, and we saw you on the security camera", he smiled at the question how he recognised them in the crowd. The backstage was a busy beehive, people dressed in black running about doing their thing, and it all looked like organised chaos. Rehearsal would start in half an hour, so they had to be quick in greeting Heath, Tanaka told them with surprisingly good English.

They were rushed to the dressing rooms; each member had their own, with their own stylists and make-up artists preparing them for the show. That's not how Gina imagined these things, but Tanaka gave a very logical answer.

"The members have their own 'offices', as we call them in Japan. Their own management. As a band, they are managed together, but as individual artists, they all have their own staff. In any case, many people are needed to serve them before a show, because if they only had one stylist, one hairdresser, blabla, then it would take a looong time to prepare everything", he smiled at Gina's naive question as they passed the singer, Toshi's dressing room. As Gina peeked in, he was getting into a leather jacket full of sparkling crystals.

"He looks like a disco ball", Steph whispered into Gina's ear and they both giggled. Fortunately, the backstage was noisy enough for Tanaka to not hear them whispering, as he went ahead to show the way.

He suddenly stopped and Gina's breath also stuck in as she glanced at the name tag next to the door. HEATH. Her heart instantly started beating faster and she became nervous. Steph gently nudged her and they entered the dressing room.

Tanaka shooed them in and then apologised, leaving them alone saying he had a lot to do before the show. Steph thanked him as he headed out, but Gina didn't even hear the manager leaving. Heath was sitting in front of a mirror, his hair was being done by a quick-handed hairdresser, they didn't hear the girls coming as the hairdryer was on. The man quickly styled the bassist's hair, drying hairspray he previously applied to make it fix even harder. As he turned the hairdryer off, and Heath got up from the chair, thanking him, he finally noticed the girls standing a little awkwardly at the door.

"Oh, hi!", Heath was smiling and that instantly fastened Gina's heartbeats. He looked amazing. Gone was the roughness she was used to, this man standing in front of her was truly... beautiful. She couldn't find any other word to describe what she saw. His large, dark eyes were accentuated with dark eyeliner and eyeshadow, his eyebrows plucked to shape, and there were red feathers in his long black hair, making him look exotic, almost like a Native American warrior. He was dressed all black, in a see-through shirt and fingerless nylon gloves, his nails polished black, too. The large, silver buckle of his leather pants accentuated his thin waist and hips.

She felt a slight nudge in her side, and she quickly gathered herself. Steph almost giggled up loud at her friend's mesmerized state. She had to admit, though, that she could understand her reasons.

"Umm. Hi... Umm... so... here we are", Gina stuttered, trying to laugh, which came out as a nervous giggle.

"Thank you for inviting us", Steph chirped in and Heath nodded towards them.

"I'm glad you came. So, this is my dressing room", he opened his arms, looking around and then turned to his hairdresser.

"This is Miya, he does amazing things to my hair, as you can see", he winked at the guy and Miya bowed dramatically.

"At your service, sir".

Then he stepped to the girls and shook hands with both of them.

"I'm Miya. Nice to meet you." After mutual greetings, he checked Heath's hairdo one more time, and then signalling okay with his hand, left them alone.

"Your hair looks amazing. Are these feathers?", Gina asked, absent-mindedly reaching her hand out to touch his hair. She quickly realized what she was doing, halting her fingers mid-air and withdrawing her hand awkwardly.

"Ah, sorry...."

Heath just smiled at her quietly and shook his head.

"This is an... extension? I think that's the English name. It's real hair, Miya dyes it separately and then ties it into my own hair. There's white, and red, and even blue sometimes."

"It looks really good", Steph nodded too.

"Was it your idea? You kind of look like a Native American warrior with these", she giggled and that sound made Heath laugh too.

"No, it was Miya's idea. He swears that when he was traveling in the Rocky Mountains, he saw an American Indian who looked like my doppelganger. He even sent me a text message, he was so shocked. Then he came back and created this hairstyle for me. I wasn't really sure, it's a bit... flashy for my taste, but fans liked it, so we kept it."

"I'm glad you did. It really suits you. Miya-san is very talented", Gina said, getting a little more comfortable now that she had time to calm down a little.

"Yeah, he learned the craft from Hide. You know, our late guitarist, with the big red hair?", he asked and Gina nodded. Of course by now she knew who Hide was.

"Miya was actually Hide's student, Hide used to be a hairdresser. Then Miya was so talented, he started doing Hide's hair after a while. He created the short pink concept for Hide, that became so iconic in Japan. I'm happy he does my hair, too!", Heath said with obvious pride in his voice.

"I guess Hide meant a lot to you, then", Gina added and Heath hummed a little, thinking.

"He was like a big brother. Without him, I would have never gotten into X, and if that didn't happen, I might have....", he suddenly trailed off, his eyes raving into the distance for a moment and then shook his head a little and opened his arms wide.

"I'm afraid I need to warm my hands and wrists up a little before the rehearsal, I'm really happy you visited me here. I'll tell Tanaka to escort you back to the VIP sector, and I hope you will enjoy the show", he said finally, sounding official and matter-of-fact-like, which instantly triggered a sixth sense in both girls. They said their goodbyes politely and let themselves be led back to the VIP seats.

As they sat down, Steph put her hand on Gina's shoulders, who was obviously a little disappointed.

"He's really busy before the show", she said apologetically but Gina shook her head.

"You know it's not that. He was really friendly and all smiles and then ... Ahh, I really don't know what to make out of this, at all", she shook her head and heaved a sigh.

"Anyways, let's just enjoy the show", she tried to smile at her friend and Steph nodded cheerfully.


	10. Chapter 10

The concert was incredible, and exhausting. They both completely fell under the spell, and went with the crowd, screaming 'X!' every time Toshi, the singer screeched "We are" and cried with the audience during the emotional songs. Steph went head over heals for Yoshiki, the beautiful blond drummer and leader of the band, which made Gina giggle. The X Japan spell was unavoidable and now that she saw them play live, she understood why the band had a cult following. The whole experience was almost life changing.

Of course, it was difficult for her not to keep her eye on Heath all the time. He was true to his personality she got to know: he didn't have flashy moves and remained in his place doing his job, but he visibly enjoyed performing, exchanging charming smiles with Toshi and the guitarists Pata and Sugizo. His incredibly long fingers masterfully played the chords and he looked otherworldly beautiful with his long, feathery hair, dark makeup and black outfit.

As the band finally left the stage after a long ending, Tanaka appeared at the VIP section and waved to Gina. He smiled at them as they approached and instructed one of the guards to let them into the backstage again. He handed them red wristbands that read 'VIP GUEST AFTERPARTY' and Gina was shocked.

"Are you sure...?", she mumbled and Tanaka gave a little cute laugh. "No worries. Heath told me to", he said and waved to them to follow him. They cut through the busy backstage again, people now rushing to move props and pack up.

"The afterparty is at a club in downtown", he told them and led them to the back entrance where a black car was already waiting. Gina hesitated and Steph also felt a little uncomfortable. Of course, it would have been nice to join but in today's world women cannot help but be very careful about getting into unknown cars. Tanaka must have sensed their hesitation, and opened the car door. Heath leaned out and smiled at them.

"Are you coming?"

Gina felt embarrassed and glanced at Steph. The other shrugged her shoulders, stepped to the car, and got in. Gina sighed and with a trembling stomach, she also entered the car, they both sat opposite Heath. It was a big, luxurious car, with plenty of space inside, and lush leather seats. It was so unlike Heath, Gina couldn't help but stare in an awe.

"It's Yoshiki's car. Well, one of his cars. He insists we ride them after concert", Heath smiled at her, seeing her confusion. "I guess he needs to have them run from time to time, otherwise they would just get dusty in the garage."

The girls giggled and Heath looked pleased with his own joke. So he wasn't always that stiff, then, Gina concluded. Then she noticed a bottle of red wine and glasses on a small side table. Of course, these cars had minibars. One of the glasses was used. So he drank. Maybe he is a little easier on himself after drinking, she thought. Tanaka sat in the passanger seat in the front, which was divided from the two back rows by a black, smokey window. The car started moving.

Heath looked like he was raving into the distance again for some time, then he cleared his throat and lifted the wine bottle.

"May I pour you some?", he asked both of them and Steph accepted.

"I don't really drink alcohol", Gina shook her head and Heath raised an eyebrow.

"I thought Western women liked drinking", he said and Steph almost choked on her wine. He had a little smirk in the corner of his lips and Gina frowned. His whole atmosphere changed. She was aware alcohol could make someone behave entirely different, and she was unsure whether she would like such a side of him.

"I hate stereotypes. It's like Western people think Japanese men are all small", she replied, crossing her legs and arms, and the defensive position deepened the smirk on his lips.

"Some of us are small, some of us are... not", he said on a low, velvet voice and sipped from his glass. The way his Adam's apple moved as he swallowed made Gina unconsciously lick her lower lip with the tip of her tongue. Steph was staring at them both, fidgeting in her seat uncomfortably.

"So, you like drinking?", she asked and he was thinking for a moment.

"Well, show me a musician who doesn't. I bet your dad drinks, too", he winked and Gina felt like she was stabbed in the stomach.

"All of us drink. Or worse. You know," he leaned a little closer to Gina, entirely disrespecting Steph with the move, and almost whispered, "glamour and glitter, who the fuck cares? We all have something to drown in booze, don't we?", he leaned back into his seat and poured himself another glass of wine, raising the glass at the two women.

"Welcome to rock&roll, ladies!"


	11. Chapter 11

The ride in Yoshiki's car set the tone of the night for Gina. She started to feel out of place, as they entered the downtown club, closed down for the VIP guests, most of them musicians, actors and showbusiness people - and of course, beautiful young models. All the cliché rockstar things Gina could think of, manifested themselves at the party. She's been to VIP events before, accompanying her father, but small countries have small scale parties, and small stars. The scale of luxury in the club hit her like a cold wind in winter. Golden curtains and red carpets, people wearing expensive designer clothes and diamond jewelry. She heard Steph sigh and she instantly knew her friend feels the same way. Out of place.

Heath got out of the car first and went ahead, completely leaving them alone, trudging a few meters in front, and picking up a glass of champagne from the geisha-dressed hostess at the entrance. They were also offered a glass, but both of them refused. As they tried to soak the sight of the high-class crowd in, suddenly Heath stopped and waited for them. 

"So, here were are. Feel free to drink as much as you like - or not", he looked at Gina straight, with a mocking smile. He waved towards Toshi, and the singer excused himself among his circle of companions and headed their way smiling. 

"Hi-chan! Finally! Oh... two beautiful young ladies, I see?", he bowed slightly towards them, welcoming them in Japanese, and they awkwardly bowed back. 

"Can I trust them on your guidance, Toshi-kun? I need to see someone", Heath said and as Toshi nodded, he was already off. This hurt Gina more than she wished it would. He behaved as if they were complete strangers, and he was so unlike the man he got to know before. 

Toshi looked like he was also quite shocked, as he raised an eyebrow, glancing towards Heath's disappearing frame but then turned to the women with a charming smile.

"I'm Toshi, X Japan's singer. Nice to meet you", he said with perfect English, his voice like honey drops in tea. Gina smiled back at him instantly, and decided that she would try to get the best out of this night. She wasn't the kind of woman who'd cry in a corner.  They both introduced themselves and then answered a few questions about how they got to know Heath. Toshi seemed to be a genuinely warm person and the way he talked just made people want to talk more. Before they could even realize what was happening, Toshi and Steph were already exchanging recipes. 

"I always wanted to try and bake English scones!", Toshi exclaimed happily and Steph laughed. "I shall send you our family recipe, then, Toshi-san".

They were heading towards a sofa at the end of the club, where the music was not so loud and where the other band members, Pata and Sugizo were sitting. After mutual greetings, they joined them for a drink, and Gina ordered a coke. They were all surprisingly nice people, grounded, and good to talk to. Just like Heath was at the beginning, Gina wondered. 

"So you live next door to Hi-chan?", Pata asked, with Toshi's help, as he didn't speak English very well. 

"Technically, I live opposite him, but yes. And Stephanie teaches at the same community center as Heath".

Her casual statement caused a moment of strange silence and the band members looked at each other. 

"The community center where he teaches bass", she explained, presuming they didn't quite catch what she meant but Sugizo raised an eyebrow.

"Hiroshi-san ... teaches bass... at a community center?"

Steph and Gina looked at each other in disbelief. Was it possible that his band mates were not aware of this? Did she accidentally tell something she shouldn't have?

Toshi came to the rescue, cleaning his throat and waving towards someone in the crowd.

"Yoshiki! Come here!"

The blond drummer raised his champagne glass at them, drank its content, put the empty glass down, walked towards them and sat down next to Toshi.

"Hey, say hello to Heath's friends."

"Oh wow, Heath's got friends", Yoshiki snickered and Toshi playfully hit Yoshiki's thigh with his palm. 

"Come on!"

"Just joking, nice to meet you guys".

"Where's Jess?", Toshi asked, straining his neck to check the crowd. 

"She's around here somewhere networking as she usually does", Yoshiki said, popping a tiny, decorated cupcake into his mouth from the table. 

"That's carbohydrate, you shouldn't be eating that", Toshi scolded him, pushing the cupcake tray a little farther away. Sugizo grabbed the chance and cleared the remaining two cupcakes, making Yoshiki growl.

"Hey! I need sugar. I WANT sugar. Ahh, Jess, they are not giving me my cupcakes", he said with the corners of his mouth pointing downwards like a crying baby's, to a pretty, long haired woman approaching their table.

"Stop it, dear. This morning", the woman turned to Toshi, "he ate kitkats with peanut butter and ketchup, and just before the show I could hardly stop him from devouring an entire bucket of ice cream with pickles. Pickles", he looked back at Yoshiki and he shrugged his shoulders. 

"I can't help it. It's not my fault".

"Oh, for god's sake, I'm the one pregnant and HE has the cravings", Jess sighed and lightly touched her tummy. 

"Babe, I just hope you won't be crazy like your daddy"

"I'm not crazy!", Yoshiki protested, crossing his legs in a femimine manner and flipped his hair. Gina and Steph could hardly contain their laughter, while Pata and Sugizo were less polite and guffawed loudly. 

"Oh, hi! I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Jess. Yoshiki's wife", the lady turned to them and they both gave out a slight 'oh'. Gina didn't remember seeing this information on the internet. Probably it wasn't public. 

"Hi, I'm Gina".

"Hi, Steph".

"Heath brought them along", Toshi nodded with a certain look in his eyes and Jess smiled.

"Oh I see. I hope you are having fun tonight", she said, leaned over the table to pop a small kiss on Yoshiki's forehead, winked at him and left.

Yoshiki sighed. "Ah this woman makes me crazy. But I can never be angry with her for long."

Toshi produced a heart shape with his hands and Pata giggled. "I never thought you would ever marry. Let alone have a kid", he said in Japanese and laid back sipping his beer. 

"Life throws the most unexpected things on your way", Yoshiki mumbled in English and then suddenly his eyebrows shot upwards.

"Oh, well, I see our dear bassist is having a lot of fun tonight...".

They all followed his glance and had a similar reaction. 

Heath was standing at the nearby bar counter, being very much occupied by giving a deep French kiss to a young Japanese lady. 


	12. Chapter 12

This was already too much for her. She felt like he was mocking her on purpose. She excused herself and decided to go for a walk in the garden of the club, which was nicely lit and offered a chance to escape the atmosphere inside. The weather was chilly, but she didn't mind it. Cool air helped to clear her mind. She felt like crying, and didn't want that to happen in front of others. 

That woman was breathtakingly beautiful. Petit, slender, her face like a beautiful fairy's, with large eyes and silken hair. And she was Japanese. She blushed and put her fingers through his hair as they kissed. Gina felt bitter. That moment, she wished she hadn't come to Japan. 

She spent a good half an hour outside, responding to Steph's message in the meantime, letting her know she was all right. Steph told her she had to go home, as it was getting quite late and asked her if she would join her taxi. After considering the option, Gina decided that she had to talk to Heath and get things straight. She told Steph to leave for home alone and asked for her understanding.

As she walked back to the club, she suddenly heard talk from one of the benches nearby. It was recognisably Toshi's honey-coated voice. He was talking to someone in Japanese, and although Gina didn't understand every single word, she understood the gist of it.

"Why are you being like this? It's so not like you", Toshi said with a scolding overtone, as she stepped closer, she saw them, sitting on the bench in front, with their backs towards her. Toshi and Heath. Her heart instantly started running faster. She didn't dare to move.

Heath was sitting there with his back hunched, and Toshi held him with one arm. Heath appeared to be drunk, he mumbled something in Japanese she couldn't understand, but Toshi apparently did. 

"If you wanted to scare her away, you succeeded. Gosh, you haven't been this drunk in years. Come on, I'll take you home", he said and tried to lift Heath up from the bench, but the younger man's body simply collapsed on him. Toshi groaned and tried to get a better hold of him. Gina, without thinking, rushed to them and helped to lift Heath's collapsing body up, by flinging one of his arms around her own neck. 

"Gina...", Toshi sighed, half-surprised, half-relieved and they slowly managed to drag Heath's limp body to Toshi's car parked down the road. They struggled to have him seated and the seatbelt secured, but finally managed. They were both exhausted and stopped to take deep breaths. 

"Ah... I can't drive tonight. I drank. My manager is inside, I will call him...". Toshi reached out for his phone in his back pocket, but Gina stopped him.

"I think it would be better if nobody saw him in this state", she said and Toshi nodded. A taxi was the next option but they soon dismissed that idea, too. If anyone recognises them, dragging a drunken rockstar along, it would hit the tabloids pretty soon.

"I can drive but you need to navigate me, as I don't know how to drive in Japan, especially with the wheel on the other side...", she glanced at the car and Toshi smiled.

"You can get used to it very quickly."

They got in, and Gina spent a few minutes familiarizing herself with the interior, with everything being on the opposite side she was used to. Toshi guided her and she finally started the car. Heath was seemingly sleeping on the back seat, with his head against the window. Now that she had a little time to observe his face in the mirror, she realized his makeup was distorted, his dark eyeliner messed up. She recognised those streaks and marks. He had been crying. 

She forced herself to concentrate on driving. She managed, with Toshi's careful navigation, to take them to the condo she shared with Heath. Toshi helped her get him up to the apartment but there they bumped into a very real problem. None of them knew the pin code to his electric door lock. They searched him for a physical key, but found none. The weight of his body getting heavier and heavier on their shoulders, Gina decided the next best option would be to drag him into her own apartment. Toshi agreed.

They lay him down on the couch and Toshi groaned again, placing his right hand on his lower back.

"Oh Jesus, I'm not used to this... I'm an old old man..."

Gina smiled at him and offered him a cup of tea but he refused. 

"I need to go back to the club, I'll call a taxi. Thank you for helping me and for taking care of Heath", he hugged her and then sent her a warm smile.

"He... I don't know why he was doing this tonight, but believe me when I say that he is not like this normally. We all used to get drunk often when we were young... But I have seen Heath cry for the first time tonight. I don't know .... I will come back tomorrow morning, I'm worried for him. He is like a younger brother to me."

Gina was thinking about these words long after Toshi left. She put a blanket on Heath, who was having a troubled sleep on her sofa, slightly groaning and frowning in his sleep. This man was an enigma to her, and she didn't know what to think anymore. She watched him for a few seconds ,then switched the light off and closed her bedroom door behind her. 

Tomorrow was a new day. 


	13. Chapter 13

The headache was incredible. Like someone was sawing through his skull and screaming into his ear at the same time. It took him a few minutes to dare open his eyes. He immediately recognised he wasn't in his own apartment and gathered all his strength to stand up, amidst the sawing pain in his skull. It was definitely not his apartment. Where the hell was he? He deseprately tried to remember the happenings of the previous night, but his mind was blank. He must have drunk _a lot_. 

As he tried to collect bits and pieces of his own identity, dragging himself to the door and finding his boots neatly placed together, his glance ended upon a framed photo on the kitchen counter. He gave out a desperate sigh, as he realized he was in Gina's apartment. How he ended up there, he had no clue. He glanced towards the bedroom door, but it was closed. He also just realized he was still wearing his stage outfit when a feathery extension fell out of his hair, onto his feet. He quickly picked it up, along with his boots and silently opened the door. The floor of the corridor outside was cold to his feet, but he barely felt it, as his mind was deseprately trying to put floating flakes of his memories together into a coherent picture. He dialed the pin to his own door and could finally lay down on his own bed, rockstar clothes and feathers and all, and closed his eyes. 

He remembered the after party up to the moment when he kissed that girl. He had no idea who she was, probably a groupie sneaking in. It was shameful to take advantage of her but right there and then it seemed like a good idea. He wanted Gina to see the absolute worst of him, he wanted her to feel disgusted by him, to despise him, to forever loathe him. The look in her eyes, as she quickly stood up, excused herself and practically ran out of the club told him he had succeeded. What a bitter, aching success it was. But he had no choice. It was clear that she started developing feelings for him and he had to cut that short. 

He still didn't remember how he ended up in her apartment, though. He downed half a bottle of whiskey he grabbed out of Pata's hands, pushing the groupie girl aside, and then .... everything got blurry. He wasn't a particularly good drinker. He was more of a beer guy, he could drink a couple of cans and be fine for the rest of the evening while watching soccer or chatting with his friends in a bar. He rarely got drunk. When he was younger, he used to be much wilder, and often got drunk with Hide, Pata and Sugizo, and surprisingly, the Ace Drinker of the bunch, Toshi. But then years passed, he became older and less attached to drowning his sorrow in booze. He thought he had managed to learn how to deal with his past. He thought that occassional nightmares didn't bother him that much anymore. 

But now, this woman entered his life and he was utterly frightened. It's not like he didn't have girlfriends, he used to have flings here and there, groupies, even prostitutes at the height of X Japan's fame, when he let loose. He wasn't particularly proud of his way of living back then. He had a couple of longer relationships, but he wasn't attached to any of his partners, not emotionally. Not deeply. He quickly realized that Gina could become an attachment, that she could be a woman who could truly touch his heart and he couldn't let that happen. It wouldn't be fair to her. 

She deserves so much better than a murderer. 


	14. Chapter 14

"Here, some Aspirin", Toshi handed him a glass of water with the fizzing Aspirin tablet in, and crossed his arms on his chest as he sat down on the couch opposite Heath. 

The bassist looked wretched, his usually neat hair in a complete mess because of unwashed hairspray; he looked like he got electrocuted. He hasn't even washed his face yet, the smudges of his makeup lending him a ghostly look. He still had a sparkling, black, fingerless glove on one hand, and his socks were nowhere to be found, exposing his cold bare feet. This is how he found him at eight in the morning when he rang the bell. Well, to be honest, he rang Gina's bell first, expecting Heath to be still sleeping at her place. She opened the door, and when she caught sight of Toshi, she just shrugged her shoulders.

"He's gone. I guess he went home", she said, folding her arms, looking sad and hurt. Toshi guessed that Heath must have snuck out without a word while she was sleeping. Toshi tried to comfort her with a bowl of cookies he freshly baked in the morning, and that kind of made her smile. A portion of the same cookies now were lying on the small smoking table between him and Heath.

"Drink that and then eat some cookies. It's chocolate chip with dried berries. I think I will include this recipe in my new chocolate book... It's SO GOOD", he smiled at Heath, while the bassist gulped the diluted Aspirin down with a frown.

"I'm not hungry".

Toshi sighed. "Well, even if you are not hungry, you are gonna eat these or damn me, I'm gonna shove them up your arse", he smiled from under his sunglasses he never took off, and Heath felt shiver running down his spine. Toshi was an incredibly nice guy but no one wanted to see him mad. He was ten times worse than an angry Yoshiki --- and _that was something of an accomplishment_. He hesitantly reached out for a cookie and bit into it. Toshi was right, it was actually delicious. Toshi looked content as he gave a little joyous laugh, his inner 5 year old sneaking out again. "I told you, they were fan-tas-ti-li-cious!", he clapped his hands happily and when Heath finished a second cookie, he stood up and unpacked a small green tea making set, and started whipping up traditional Japanese green tea, right on the floor.

"What...?"

"Sh... Aspirin is great, but the real cure for hangover is green tea. Believe me, if someone knows how to cure severe hangovers, that's me."

He made tea for the both of them and while they were sipping it, Heath kept trying to avoid the invisible glance trough the dark sunglasses. He knew if Toshi wanted something, he would usually work magic with his words to get it. And he sort of also knew what Toshi wanted from him.

"So...", Toshi began, putting down his cup, "would you tell me what the hell happened yesterday evening? Even Yoshiki was utterly taken aback and you know it takes a lot for that guy to be surprised by anything in this business. You were not really yourself last night."

Heath sat back on the couch, dropping both of his arms into his lap, stubbornly staring at the carpet under the smoking table. 

"I just drank too much. You know how bad I am with alcohol."

"Yeah... haven't seen you gulp down half a litre of whiskey in one go in a very long time. I remember the first year you joined X, you were pretty drunk almost every day. Then somehow you pulled yourself together, which I always admired. You had the strength to put the bottle down, unlike Hide --- or Pata. So what happened that your old junkie drinker self emerged again?"

"Nothing. I was just having fun."

"Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England", Toshi mumbled, visibly displeased with the answer. 

"You know", he changed his tone to a much warmer one, "when you told us you invited a girl friend to the show and the afterparty, we were so thrilled. Yay, Heath has a woman in his life! And by the love of Buddha, she's gorgeous", he exhaled in an appreciative tone, to which Heath visibly stiffened. Toshi let a smirk sit on his lips. "Man, I'd totally bang her, too!"

Before even realizing it, Heath jumped up from the couch, ready to punch Toshi in the face. Toshi was very agile for his age and caught the bassist's hand before it would reach his face.

"There, there, _I knew it_!", Toshi laughed and pushed Heath's hand away. "Calm down, I was just provoking you." 

Heath swore like a trooper, as he realized he had fallen into Toshi's well-planned trap. Now he wouldn't be able to bullshit the singer any longer. 

"It was obvious from the get-go that she's head over heals for you, Hi-chan. I was just not entirely sure about your feelings, but I just got a nice confirmation", Toshi clicked with his tongue and sipped some more tea. 

"If I say, I really don't want to talk about this, would that suffice for you to leave me alone?", Heath asked on a weak tone, but he already knew the answer. Toshi cheekily shook his head.

"You know me, Hi-chan. If I get curious, there is no way you can hide anything from me. I spent 12 years in a brainwashing cult. I know how to get what I want."

Heath could have sworn Toshi winked under his sunglasses at this point. He gave a desperate sigh.

"I wanted to stop her from liking me", he said on a low voice and Toshi nodded.

"I figured that much. I'm curious about the why".

"There are ... things in my past...  that I don't want to talk about", Heath lowered his head and his expression was desperate and grim. "I don't deserve love from such a gentle soul like her."

Toshi frowned and Heath's grim look almost made him give up asking. Almost. He was now not only curious but truly worried. 

"Remember how Yoshiki met his wife? And how we reconciled with Yoshiki? He had to learn to embrace his feelings, and to talk. Especially to talk about his problems. Everything bad that happened to us in this band was because we never communicated well enough. Friends are not only for having drinks in a bar and going to baseball matches. You know that you have always been my little brother, ever since we met. Hide also treated you like one. As your brother, I think it is time for us to talk. Time for you to leave your past pains behind."

"You know," Toshi stood up and walked to the opposite side, sitting down right next to Heath, "when we were scouting bassists, and we had those long rounds of auditions, and Hide introduced you... It wasn't actually that jam session that convinced us to vote for you."

Heath looked up at Toshi with a frown.

"Of course, it gave us an impression but... It was actually what Hide said about you that made us want you on this band. He said: 'that kid is broken. He's eating himself up from the inside. I can sense it. I can smell it just from the way he breathes. He's like us. A broken beautiful soul without a home. Who else would fit us better? Where else could he find a better home? Plus, if we don't take him, that kid's gonna be six feet under in two months'"

Heath closed his eyes and gulped his tears down before they could surface from his eyes. Hide was a magician. He had a special sixth sense nobody around him had, and he knew how to spot people he wanted to have close to his heart. When Hide first popped up in the bar Hiroshi was working at, he was just silently drinking at the bar. They didn't even talk. Then he popped up again at his band's concert and then Hiroshi got introduced to him at a club. Hide had a wide grin on his face and talked to him, using suffixes and structures that indicated he treated him like a younger brother. Now it all made sense. He didn't accidentally get introduced to X Japan's famous guitarist, Hide arranged it so. And he did everything to make Hiroshi join the band after Taiji was kicked out. Heath remembered how Hide was always nearby him for the first few months. He always smiled, treated him to booze, kept him awake with endless talks, brought him into his circle of friends and kept him really busy. 

Somehow, Hide _knew_. The one thing Hide didn't know was how undeserving that kid had been all along. 

With his eyes closed, his head bent, Heath found himself whispering.

"You will never want to talk to me after this, ever again, Toshi." 

Toshi put his hand on Heath's shoulders, encouraging him to go on. "Don't worry. I've gone through too much shit to be judgmental with friends."

Heath heaved a deep sigh, and he finally uttered the words he never dared to say out loud:

"I killed my wife."


	15. Chapter 15

"We were both twenty when we got married. We went to the same middle school, same high school. Our parents were, of course, pretty much against our marriage. My dad was furious that I didn't want to go to business school to take over his businesses, especially after my older brother also chose a profession outside business. And when I announced my marriage, he told me, I shouldn't ever step into his house again."

"I was working odd jobs to support us, during the day I worked for the railway company, at night, I was a bartender, and during weekends, I did gigs with my band. I was pretty much exhausted and overloaded, but that was the only way for us to make ends meet. She was a beautician, but she got pregnant pretty soon after we married, and she couldn't work for long. We lived in a tiny rented apartment at the edge of town, on the second floor, the house owner lived below us. We were... were fine... until our son was born."

"That changed everything. Kimi had always been a cheerful, joyful woman, all smiles, like a little fluttering, colourful butterfly. But after Ichirou was born, she became lifeless, depressed, she had tantrums, or would close herself off for hours, crying. She didn't tend to the baby, I had to hire an older lady in the neighbourhood to change nappies and feed him, while I was working. .... We.. didn't talk. I thought this was just a mood change, that she was overwhelmed by suddenly becoming a mother so soon, and that eventually she'd be alright... I... I was mistaken. .... And I will never be able to undo this mistake."

"The daily routine was that the babysitter came eight in the morning, shortly before I left for work. I worked at the railways until 4, and then I started my bar shift at 5, until about 10 pm. The sitter would leave at 7 in the evening, when the baby was fed and tucked in to sleep. During the night I would get up to tend to the baby, my wife wouldn't budge at his crying. Sometimes... we would have huge fights. I was furious at her disinterest in our baby, and my frustration would sometimes burst into shouting at her... She kept yelling at me, saying, 'I don't want this baby, take it away somewhere, it ruined my whole life!'. I didn't understand. She was completely different to the woman I fell in love with. It's as if though she had an evil twin who took her place. Our marriage fell apart, I went home solely because of my son. If he hadn't been there, I would have avoided sleeping at home. I was almost grateful I had three jobs. Being with the band during the weekends was my outlet to drink --- to forget about the hell waiting for me at home."

"This went on for about  6 months. ... One day... One day ... I went home from night shift at around midnight, a little later than usual. That time Ichirou already didn't wake up so many times at night, so I could work longer hours. The lights were on, which was unusual. It was very quiet. The bedroom was empty, so I thought Kimi was in the bathroom. I went to check on my son in the crib, as I always did and... I found him with a pillow over his face. ... He wasn't... breathing... I picked him up and tried to revive him but... I couldn't. I ran to the landline and dialled the ambulance, where they tried to help me over the phone but ... nothing helped.  I was crying helplessly, sitting on the floor holding my son when the landlady came up, hearing the noises late at night. I told her what happened between sobbing,  and she immediately asked: 'where's Kimi-san?' Honestly, I didn't care where she was. She was alone with the baby, and there could have been no one else who suffocated him with the pillow. She hated that child fervently... The landlady rushed to the bathroom and all I could hear was a muffled scream. I stumbled up from the floor, and went there but... I wish I hadn't done that."

"She was in the bathtub, her veins slit, blood everywhere. It was a sight I will never forget, a sight that haunts me till this day. ..... The ambulance came... and they called the police. They took them both away and we were interrogated, me, the landlady and the babysitter. The coroner stated that she killed herself around 8 that evening, shortly after the babysitter left. There were doctors involved and they... they said that Kimi must have suffered from postpartum depression. I never heard of that... Nobody in the hospital ever told us about this. We couldn't afford the expensive postpartum care centers, and my wife wouldn't go to the hospital for any checkup after the birth. I took the baby to all his appointments, to get the shots and track his growth. ... I never bothered to tell the doctor that my wife was different. I didn't ... think it would matter. I neglected her needs. That's the truth. I was angry with her mood change, I was angry she claimed she hated our baby, I was frustrated and ... and I drank to muffle my feelings. I left her alone with this horrible condition... and she killed our baby and she killed herself."

"I killed her. My inability to recognise the danger she was in killed her. And it killed our son, too. I'm a monster. I tried to drink myself into oblivion, went to Tokyo and deep-dived into clubs, rock and booze. Had it not been for Hide's all-knowing eyes, I would have long been dead, I guess. At first, I thought it would have been for the better. But Hide, without even knowing any details of what happened to me, simply said to me one day, sipping whiskey: 'Whatever you'd done, you just have to make sure it doesn't happen again. Dying, my friend, is the easy way out. Live and do your best to live well'. That's why... that's why I won't ever believe Hide killed himself. Bullshit. He wouldn't have done that... He was the greatest inspiration to continue living. And so I did. I tried to make myself a better person. I started teaching bass to unpriviliged children, and most of what I earn goes to a foundation I set up that helps women with postpartum depression. We try to educate people, men especially, about postnatal depression, how it affects women and what consequences it may have... I cannot turn time back, and I cannot bring my wife and my son back. All I can do is live with this burden the rest of my life."

"I'm sorry I never talked to any of you about this. I didn't want to burden you as well. But I guess, this was now the time to do it. With this note, I wish to resign from my position in X Japan, and I dissolve my agency, too. My musical journey ends here and now, and I thank you all for having been a part of my life."

"Morie Hiroshi" (official stamp)

 

* * *

 

Toshi put the letter down on the table and stared at it in disbelief. The others were dead silent, too. They were all sitting in the studio, where they gathered to practice for the upcoming US shows, but Heath was nowhere to be found. He was never late from rehearsals. They tried to reach his mobile, reach his manager, to no avail. Then a courier brought an envelope addressed to all of them, and the letter requested Toshi to read the contents out aloud to the members, and the members only. They were all sitting in silence for a while, trying to digest what they just heard. Toshi closed his eyes and heaved a desperate sigh.

This wasn't what he hoped for when he asked Heath to tell what happened. When Heath reluctantly uttered those words, that he killed his wife, Toshi's heart dropped. 

"Hiroshi... Please tell me what happened... Please."

Heath shook his head. "I .. can't. It's... I don't think I can ever face you or anyone else with this. This is... Too much", he said on a hoarse voice and stood up. 

Toshi grabbed his arm. "Heath, I've gone through too much shit myself to be judgmental of you. I know you, I have known you for decades. You are my friend. Whatever happened... I'm not going to judge you for it. Just... let it out, I can listen."

Heath remained silent and slowly pulled his arm out of Toshi's hand. "I need some time..."

Toshi nodded and then hugged him as he stood up from the couch. "Just know this, me and the boys are here for you, always. You don't need to struggle alone." 

Heath nodded then and they agreed that he would later tell everything.

Toshi wasn't expecting it to be this way. He broke the silence and looked at the others, determined.

"We have to go to him and talk to him. Yoshiki, can you call Ethan, too?"

Yoshiki silently nodded and reached for his mobile. 


	16. Chapter 16

The knocking intensified and Gina wiped her hands in the kitchen towel and sighed. She so didn't want guests at this time. She came home tired, after a long series of meetings at the office and was glad it was Friday and she could finally cook something for herself and rest. But the intruder didn't seem like willing to stop. She walked to the door and peeped out the spyhole. It was Toshi. Gina felt confused. She really hoped he wasn't trying to coax her to make up with Heath. Reluctantly, she opened the door, and tried to smile at the singer. 

"Good evening. Is there anything I may help with?"

It sounded sarcastic, but she couldn't help herself. Toshi was convinced that Heath would come over to her to apologise but that never happened. The other side of the corridor remained silent and cold. 

"Actually, yes", Toshi answered firmly and without any invitation, he simply barged into her apartment. 

"Excuse me? Could you tell me what exactly you want? I don't remember inviting you in."

"I'm sorry, really", Toshi held his hands up in an apologetic manner, "but we don't have time for this now. I need you to pack and come with me."

"What?", she asked completely confused and a little terrified.

"I don't have time to explain it now. We need to hurry. I think... I think Hiroshi will... do something to himself", Toshi jabbered in a hurry and without futher ado, trudged into her bedroom and opened her wardrobe, pulling out random clothes. 

"What... what is going on? Look, you can't just come here and start pulling my clothes out", she shouted at him furiously, picking up her clothes from the bed where he had flung them over. 

"I'm not going anywhere with you! Why should I care about a guy who made fun of me in front of everyone for his own goddamn pleasure?", she screamed almost, through tears and Toshi stopped flipping the clothes and sighed.

"I'm not sure what exactly happened between you two, but one thing is certain. You triggered something in him that is now steering him into dangerous waters. He voided his contract with X Japan and dissolved his management agency. He left Tokyo and we know that he is Amagasaki, his hometown, only because Yoshiki has some serious contacts with various private investigators. He closed down his bank account and put up all of his guitars for charity. All of them. The ones he actively plays, too. It's like... It's like he wants to disappear from this world."

The words hit her hard, so much that she clenched her t-shirt until her fingers became white. Was it really something to do with her? Nothing made sense.

"When I'm saying we don't have time, I mean it. We don't know... we don't know if we still find him alive. Do you understand me? Yoshiki's private jet is waiting. We are flying to Amagasaki. Please quickly pack up a few days' worth of clothing. Don't worry about anything else at this point. My assistant will make sure your workplace has an explanation, if we are still not back by Monday."

To her confused look, he added, "We know he is in the city. But we have no idea where exactly he is. We have to find him and that might take time. Since you triggered him, we need you to be with us and help... "

Finally, she nodded and rushed to pack a small suitcase. Her heart was racing and she felt tears in her eyes. _God, what has happened?_

* * *

 

As the plane reached flight height and they could finally get out of their designated seats, they all gathered at the back of the plane, where a luxurious U-shaped bench was waiting for them with a small coffee table. Gina felt awkward sitting there, with Yoshiki and Toshi and a very young version of the late Hide, whom -- she learnt -- was Hide's son, Ethan.  The rest of the band remained in Tokyo, anxiously waiting for news.

Ethan was reading an letter, very carefully, with his jaws clenched tight. It had two pages, one in English and one in Japanese. He examined both. To her questioning eyes, Toshi started speaking, after exchanging glances with Yoshiki.

"I didn't want to show this to you at first, because... It's not up to me to tell you... But, since this is an emergency, it is better for you to know what's going on. That letter was sent to us by Hiroshi and we had it translated for Ethan, because his Japanese is not perfect yet. Ethan is studying to be a psychologist. 

"Psychiatrist", Ethan quickly corrected, and put the letters down. 

"Let Ms Gina read it before I give my opinion", he said and handed the English translation over to Gina. She felt her hands shaking as she reached out for it. The plane fell silent as she was reading. 

Halfway through the letter she had to close her eyes, her chest felt heavy, as if someone sat on it to suffocate her. She couldn't finish reading the letter without her tears welling up. She tried to suppress the crying but didn't succeed. Toshi silently gave her a handkerchief. 

This was too much for her. The contents of the letter shook her soul. Some things fell into place reading them, why Heath was so awkward and closed-in on himself, and the constant sadness in his eyes... But the letter raised more questions than it answered. 

Ethan waited for a few minutes for her to calm down and then took the Japanese letter from the table.

"I'm not an expert in Japanese handwriting but his letters seem well-formed and balanced. If the English translation is faithful to the original, his choice of words show that he carefully thought about the contents and wasn't writing it in a hurry or out of a gush of feelings. It gives me a calm and pre-meditated vibe. If he is planning suicide, then he is very carefully arranging everything."

"You mean, it is possible that he is doing all this because he wishes to die?", Yoshiki asked on a hoarse voice. Ethan shrugged his shoulders.

"There are two types of suicides. One that happens spontaneously, after a trauma or a wave of feelings the person cannot deal with and just on the spot, they decide to end it all. These are usually not clean suicides, it's like the suicide of Heath's wife. That was, in my opinion, a spontaneous one. She had this depression deepening, and when you are at rock bottom, you can do fearful things. She probably didn't want to kill the baby, just make him... not cry anymore. Then she realized the baby died, and she took her own life with a razor. People who pre-meditate their deaths usually arrange everything beforehand. Pay off debts to relatives, clean their houses, they want to fix things so their relatives would have less to worry about when they are gone."

Toshi heaved a deep sigh. "So the fact that he sold his guitars, cleaned up his contracts and stuff... It means he planned his suicide?"

Ethan shook his head. "Not necessarily. It can mean that, but it can also mean he wants to start his life anew, maybe. Burn the bridges and leave his old self behind. I cannot take a look into his head. I would say that Heath to me doesn't seem like the type of person who would kill himself. Especially that his wife committed suicide. He knows what consequences such a death has on family and friends. My gut feeling says that he won't do that."

"You talk like Hide", Yoshiki whispered and smiled faintly. Ethan shrugged his shoulders. "I'm getting used to this, uncle. As long as you don't call me Hide, I'm fine with the comparison. By the way, you haven't seen him ever since, right?", he asked and Yoshiki shook his head gently. 

"No. Sometimes I do wish I could see him again, though."

Ethan gave a gentle smile at this and nodded. "I wish I could see him too, but my brain is too analytical for that."

To Gina's confused facial expression, Ethan winked at her, "No worries. Uncle Yoshiki had an encounter with my dead father's ghost. But I cured him". 

Yoshiki grabbed a pillow from behind his back and punched Ethan in the face with it.

"You little bastard! Jess cured me, not you!" 

They all laughed but deep inside all of them were still uncomfortably worried. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a homage to msmorie ;)

After they all settled in a hotel Yoshiki's assistant booked for them in the city, they set out to find Heath.  Amagasaki, an industrial city in Hyougo prefecture was located near the sea, close to Osaka and the surrounding mountains. It wasn't very big of a town but big enough for anyone to hide in without trace, if they so wanted. Their first stop was Heath's brother, Hisao, who was running a motorbike shop downtown. This was also news to the band members, as Heath never really talked about any of his family members. They knew he had an older brother, but the details had to be found out by Yoshiki's private investigator. 

It wasn't very difficult to guess which of the three men in the shop was Hisao. He had quite a resemblance to Heath, but he was not quite as thin and had a moustache and a beard. He was wearing a leather bike jacket and biker pants and sighed deeply when he noticed the group of people entering his shop. Although dressed casually, Yoshiki and Toshi still stuck out like a sore thumb among townspeople. It didn't help that they had a blonde gaijin woman with them, either. 

It turned out, Hisao resembled his younger brother in other ways, too. He wasn't much of a talker. 

"Illustrious guests, huh", he mumbled as they greeted him and folded his arms on his chest, leaning at the cashier counter. 

"We are looking for Hiroshi-kun", Toshi started and Hisao gave a slightly annoyed look. 

"Guessed you weren't about to buy a bike, mate," he said with a strong Kansai accent.

Yoshiki and Toshi glanced at each other and Toshi tried to smile.

"I know that we are kind of uncalled visitors but... We seriously need your help. Have you heard of your brother recently? We know he came back to Amagasaki, and we need to find him."

Hisao swiped his beard with two fingers and after a short silence, shook his head.

"I haven't talked to him in years. He ain't been coming here since...", his voice broke off and he quickly shook his head again.

"Look, ya wasting your time here. Go to The Underground near Nakadori Park. The owner is still his best friend", and with that without saying even goodbye, he turned his back on them and walked to the very back of the shop, to engage with a customer. 

Yoshiki gave a bitter smile.  "At least we know where to go next."

Toshi explained their conversation to Ethan and Gina and they took a taxi to The Underneath. 

* * *

The Underneath was a small but established bar downtown, with aged wooden furniture, and a classic bar feel. When they asked the bartender about the owner, he smiled cheerfully and shook their hands.

"It's me, you can call me Nakamura, like everyone around here", he bubbled happily and showed them to a table. 

"It's such an honor to greet Yoshiki-san and Toshi-san here. I've heard a lot about you from Hi-chan."

"He should have introduced you to us long ago", Yoshiki replied but the small, youthful looking man gave a wide grin and shook his head.

"He always told me to come to Tokyo and see a concert, but I'm so busy you see. I can't leave the bar even for one day, or I would have to close. This is a one man bar now. We used to be a little bigger, when Hi-chan was still working here, but times have changed. Young people sit at home in front of computers. We even had a _live house_ at one point! He used to play with his first band there. Ah, good times!", he reminisced with foggy eyes and the older men at the table nodded. 

Toshi quickly grabbed to chance to ask him about Heath's whereabouts. Nakamura heaved a deep, somewhat sad sigh and nodded.

"I kind of guessed you came because of that. I talked to him a few days ago, and I was really surprised he moved back from Tokyo. I didn't ask details, Hi-chan... He talks when he wants to, but you kind of have to wait for him to want to do that. I just helped him find a place and we drank a glass of beer together."

"So, you know where he lives now?"

Nakamura nodded. "I know... I'm not sure I'm supposed to tell anyone... But then again, he never asked me to not tell anyone. So...", he winked at them with renewed energy, "I guess I will let you know. Because I think Hi-chan really needs help even if he doesn't know he does. And... I'm guessing the beautiful foreign lady is here for a reason, too." 

"If you walk out of this bar and turn East, there will be a smallish mountain in the backdrop. On the other side of that mountain, you'll find a small wooden cottage, there is only one trail that goes up the mountain, and it ends there at the cottage. He lives there now. No electricity, no phone, no nothing. I guess he needed a recluse life."


	18. Chapter 18

The weather was chilly, as the sky started getting cloudy, but he didn't feel it, as the axe kept cutting the large chunks of wood. He had gotten so used to living the city life, it took him some time to adjust to the countryside again. The aching strain in his muscles actually felt good. Chopping wood made him exhausted and sweaty, so he left his pullover at the bottom of the wood pile and was chomping away only in a white sleeveless shirt and a pair of old, white-washed jeans. From time to time he stopped to wipe sweat away from his face, his unruly long hair sticking to his neck. 

It took him some time to notice that someone was standing behind him, a little farther away, silently watching. A visitor? Here? This place was so remote nobody ever came up there, not the postman even.  He knocked the axe into the log and turned around completely, to see the mysterious visitor. 

It was her. The woman with the blonde hair who haunted her dreams recently. The woman who chased him away from Tokyo. It was so unexpected, that he fell completely silent and just watched her stand there a little awkward and a little confused, blushing in embarrassment. 

"Hi...", she waved at him half-heartedly, on a small voice, not knowing how to approach him. He looked ragged, in old clothes, his hair wet and clinging to his neck and his chest, drops of sweat trickling down his hairless chest, disappearing under the neck cut of the tank top. The veins on his arms looked defined, as a result of hard physical labor. Gina couldn't help but stare. He looked fine. And he looked incredibly sexy and manly. She quickly tried to collect herself before her mind would wander to dangerous grounds about pulling that sleeveless shirt off his body and tasting those sweat drops with her tongue. She had a mission to fulfill. 

"You shouldn't be here", he finally spoke, his voice rasp and husky of restrained emotions. He picked up his pullover and without any further ado, went into the small cottage, leaving his boots at the entrance, and closed the door, leaving her standing there. He didn't ask how she got there in the first place, but Gina suddenly thought that Heath must be aware of Yoshiki's intense network of connections and could have guessed it. 

"I'm not going away just because you shut the door on my face, sir!", she raised her voice higher and with renewed willpower, pushed at the door. Unless that it didn't open. He locked her out of the house? Some women would have started to cry by now, of anger and humiliation, but these kind of situations only made Gina more determined. She stood there for a moment, her arms akimbo and then knocked on the wooden door. 

"Are you really going to play this childish game? And not talk like an adult to me? I came all the way from Tokyo to talk to you."

Silence. It hurt. It really did. This was one stubborn mule, this guy.

"Okay, I'll play your stubborn little game. I won't leave this place until you let me in and we talk. Sincerely."

Still no answer. Is he testing her willpower? Well, dude has gotten to the wrong rival. Gina heaved a sigh and sat down on the small patio, where Heath's boots were left. They were dirty and smelly and it actually made her smile. So handsome, sexy guys can have smelly feet, too. 

The weather started to worsen, the clouds became dark and heavy and soon, rain started falling, as if it were poured from buckets in the sky.  The small patio quickly got very wet and Gina threw a couple of Hungarian swearwords at the closed door and the man behind it, pulling her sweater closer together, chattering from the cold. If he thinks this rain would make her leave, he is seriously wrong! She used to stand 4 hours in the rain in the queue for the Backstreet Boys concert when she was a teen, this dude has no idea of her perseverance!

 

* * *

 

Unlike most Japanese houses, this small cottage had a fireplace. He liked it, the warmth of the firewood filled the small,  one-room place and he was sitting on his futon, his back to the wall, reading his favourite book. Or rather, trying to read his favourite book. As for more than two hours now, he didn't get past two pages even. His mind was always returning to the woman on his patio, stubbornly fighting the pouring rain. She was nuts! He expected her to leave once the weather turned bad but she was still there. He heard her squeeze out unknown to him words between her teeth. Undoubtedly, she must have been cursing him in her language. The rain just didn't seem like stopping anytime soon, and then the thunderbolts started, loud and bright, and as the first one hit nearby with an incredibly loud noise, he heard her give a little muffled scream. He couldn't bear it anymore. 

"That stupid woman... That stupid ass, idiotic woman....", he mumbled to himself in Japanese, as he quickly trudged to the door, unlocked it and pulled it to the side. She was soaking wet, trembling, shivering, her teeth chattering but her eyes were on fire as she looked at him. Her wet clothes clung to her curves _everywhere_ , giving him a sudden blood rush in his veins. His mesmerized state quickly came to a sharp end when she kicked him in the shin out of the blue. 

"You moron! You really had to wait two frigging hours to open that fucking door? I wouldn't leave my dog out in this kind of weather you stupid, heartless asshole!", she screamed into his face, furious and hurt, and was already lifting her leg to kick him again when he suddenly pulled her into his arms, strong and tight, and pulled her into the warmth of his home.  He held her like that for a few moments, his fingers aimlesly wandering in her wet hair, and this sudden change of mood rendered Gina speechless. What is he doing? Why...?

His voice was still hoarse when he spoke, but this time it was hoarse of all the emotions that welled up in him. 

"You are insane to come here. I thought I could put you to flight, and keep you away. Why did you come here....?"

Gina's voice softened too, at the sudden change of his mood, and she pulled herself out of his arms and touched his face with her fingers.

"Because I was worried. You were just gone like that, without an explanation, and I was angry with you because I didn't understand your behaviour. Then, Toshi showed me the letter you sent them."

Heath swallowed hard and turned away. He first closed the door, and then went to a small cabinet at the side wall and pulled out a T-shirt and a pair of training pants. 

"Not sure if these will fit, but you should get out of those wet clothes before you get sick", he handed her the clothes and turned his back on her, crossing his arms on his chest.

"So you still refuse to talk to me, like, about important things?", she asked disappointed and saw Heath lower his head.

"It's not so easy to talk about this, Gina-san."

Gina quickly pulled her wet clothes off and it felt so weird to do that in his presence. It felt naughty and awkward, even though she dreamt about having her clothes discarded by him. Just not in such a way. 

"I'm done", she said finally, and he turned back. His clothes almost fit her in width, since he was slim and slender, but they were obviously very long for her. She rolled up the legs of the pants and tucked the yellow T-shirt in. She looked like a little forest fairy, combing her still-wet hair with her fingers.

"So, what are we going to do now?", she asked completely oblivious of how her presence affected him and first time in a long while, Heath was about to give in to his desires.

 

* * *

 

"Was it really a good idea to leave her on her own?", Toshi frowned as they were sitting in the lobby of the hotel, sipping wine and eating chocolate. Ethan put his red wine glass down and smirked.

"Trust me, uncle, I know what I'm doing."

"But it's raining cats and dogs and Heath can be really stubborn ...", Toshi continued but Ethan shook his head.

"Don't worry. There is nothing better to make someone talk than a good old thunderstorm. Especially if the parties are of the opposite sex."

"What... do you mean?", Yoshiki looked at him confused and Toshi rolled his eyes at him.

"He means, it's perfect for them to hanky-panky."

Ethan giggled aloud at Yoshiki's even more confused face. 

"You know, rumpy-pumpy. Hokey-pokey", Toshi threw the words at Yoshiki casually and seeing his blank face, he imitated the movement with his hands.

"Eww. Where do you learn these kind of words?", Yoshiki looked at him gasping and Toshi winked at Ethan.

"Do you really want to know?"

"Nah, rather not, thanks", Yoshiki waved at him and jugged a glass of wine down rather inelegantly. 

"Nothing better than unexpected sex, it's the best therapy", Ethan smirked again and Toshi laughed.

"I can attest to that...", Yoshiki mumbled into his glass almost inaudibly.

"What?", Toshi leaned closer to him but Yoshiki shook his head. "Nothing. So, Ethan, this was your plan?"

"Yup. Heath is very stubborn. He is also very quiet, he is suppressing those feelings, when he is obviously head over heels for Gina. The wall has to be broken down. Sometimes you need extraordinary measures to do that."

"But how did you know she'd be trapped there in a storm?", Toshi asked naively and Ethan picked his phone up from the small table in front of them.

"Weather forecast?"

"Oh", Yoshiki and Toshi both said at the same time. 

"So you basically had no plan all along and just devised this on spot?", Yoshiki turned to him with a sudden realization and Ethan cheekily shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm good at improvisation".

"Jesus, seriously, you are _worse_ than your dad", Yoshiki laughed but Toshi shook his head giggling.

"Nah, Hide would have never been so tactful! He would have knocked their heads together until they kissed and would have thrown a couple of X Condoms at them shouting 'Get a room!'"

They all laughed uncontrollably but Ethan suddenly looked at them all confused.

"X Condoms? You mean...?"

"Yeah, we had our own brand of condoms, son", Toshi nodded and Ethan almost knocked his glass of wine off the table as fits of guffawing shook his whole body.

"Oh man! That's hilarous. Though", he glanced at them wiping laughing tears from his eyes, "they must have been faulty."

To the older men's questioning eyes he cheekily pointed at himself. "Didn't work out for dad!"

Yoshiki took the pillow from behind his back and smacked at Ethan's face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... the burning question is... to smut or not to smut? :D


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware, this chapter is not suitable for workplace reading. ;)

She didn't expect this kind of answer to her innocent question. His eyes were burning with an unusual, thick light as he closed in on her with one long stride and cupped her face in his long fingers. His soft yet firm lips were demanding her to yield and she couldn't but obey. His hands slid down her neck and back, his arms drew her closer into his embrace, closer to his burning body she could feel the heat of even through his garments. She dimly realised what was happening, but it didn't matter. Any doubts, questions and theories could wait, this is what she had been longing for, for so long now, ever since they met. She quickly mimicked his movements and her fingers swept up his arched back, feeling the tight muscles along his spine and shoulderblades, ending up clutching at his long, unruly black locks. His natural body scent sucked her in and left goosebumps on her skin. It was a manly, rough yet incredibly sexy scent, mingled with the distinct smell of rain and burning wood in the room. It fired her veins up, their deepening kiss sent shivers down her spine. 

It wasn't long before he freed her of his own clothes she just finished putting on, eager to finally feel her skin with his hands. She couldn't remember how they ended up on the futon, but she couldn't care either. He hastily tore off his own clothes, not wanting to leave the warmth of her skin even for a second. The room was dimly lit by the fireplace, and her breath stuck in as the flickering flames illuminated his perfect body. Even though he was tall and skinny, he had tightly sculpted muscles that screamed to be touched. She didn't hesitate to do so.  They didn't need words this time, to understand each other. His lips talked perfectly as they slid along her skin, tasting every precious part, and her fingers were tangled in his hair, urging him to continue. 

He carefully explored her skin, finding all the right spots that made her shiver and burn at the same time, teasing her breasts, his fingers sliding under her arched back and not missing any square inch of her skin. She could feel he was hard, but no matter how she tried to get to him, he wouldn't let her. When she gave out a frustrated hiss, his eyes flickered with a hint of cheeky light. This was a new side of him, a new side that promised adventure and lust. Her soft laugh made him smile and kiss her passionately, his hands now wandering down her hips, spending some time at her inner thighs, teasing her until she started gasping for more. His long fingers finally slid into her, carefully, exploringly, and her body twitched. Her nails dug into his spine, pulling her upper body closer to his, while his lips wandered down her neck to her breasts. When she thought she couldn't bear it any longer, he tasted her, in a way that sent her almost unconscious. Her deep panting turned into small staccato squeals and she clenched her fingers into his hair, pulling on it violently. He gave a deep, growling sound, grabbed her right hand and placed it onto his shaft as he rose above her to kiss her again. She spontaneously started pumping his hard, warm member with her hand as their kiss became more and more hungry. He lifted her left leg and slid between her thighs, and she immediately crossed her legs around his waist, almost automatically sliding down and lifting her hips up to meet his first thrust. It felt so good, to feel him inside, and he moaned softly, showering her face with small kisses, as he started moving his hips.

Time stopped, as the heat became almost unbearable but so sweet and so addictive, she kept wanting more, with each thrust, each moan and scream, more and more, until they were both exhausted and bathing in sweat. They were lying in each other's arms for a long time, silently, before Heath moved to the side to lift his weight up from her chest and stomach. She didn't want that. She didn't want the cool air to hit her skin, she was happy to feel his weight on her body. As he rolled onto his back, she immediately moved closer to his side and cuddled up next to him, throwing an arm across his chest and a leg across his thigh. He remained silent. 

This was a completely new situation for both of them. Something neither of them expected to happen when he spotted her standing at the cottage. Gina didn't know how to start a conversation now. What to say? She peeked up at his face, but it was expressionless, his eyes closed. But he wasn't asleep, she could feel that from his heartbeats. She started biting her lips when he finally talked. His voice was low and hoarse, loaded with emotions. 

"This is what I tried to avoid....", he said, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. 

"That we sleep together?", she asked, drawing small circles onto his chest with her index finger. He heaved a big sigh, his chest rising high, along with her head resting on it. 

"That we become attached."

"Is that so bad? To be attached to someone?", she asked on a small voice, not daring to look at his face. 

"It is when that someone is me." His voice was full of deep pain and Gina propped herself up on one elbow, deciding not to avoid him anymore.

"Because of what happened to your wife?", she asked, observing his face with an inquiring glance, and he finally oopened his eyes and looked at her. The pain and sadness radiating from his beautiful, dark brown eyes hit her so hard, she involuntarily touched his cheeks with her fingers. 

"That wasn't your fault", she whispered but he shook his head and slowly removed her fingers from his face, clutching them in his own hand. 

"It was, and there is no denying of that. I was indifferent to her problems and didn't help her. I didn't even ask anything. I just left her struggle on her own. She died because I failed her. I literally walked out on her. I only cared about my own disappointment."

Gina felt tears filling up her eyes and quickly placed her head onto his chest, tightly embracing him to hide her face. 

"You were so young and inexperienced. You couldn't have known... And she wasn't alone with you in this world, was she? She had friends, she had other people around her, like the babysitter and the landlady."

"Yes... We all collectively failed her. But that doesn't take away my responsibility. I was her husband. I swore I would protect her, be there for her, help her and love her, come what may. I betrayed my oath, I betrayed our love."

He almost whispered the last words and Gina felt tears rolling down her face. She bit her lips to supress the sounds that dwelled up with the tears. She couldn't bear hearing him suffer. 

"Don't cry for me", he scolded her but squeezed her shoulders with his arm, embracing her finally after their love-making. 

"Hiroshi... You need to... forgive yourself. You have suffered enough, and repented enough... You can't forever lock yourself into this darkness", she said finally, gathering all her strength, and planted a soft kiss onto his chest. 

He remained silent and Gina bit her lips again. How should she convince him?

"Would you really throw everything away just because we became close? Become a recluse, on a mountain? What about the band? The music you love making? The kids that are so happy to learn from you each week? Are you really going to throw everything away because you are afraid of having a woman in your life again?"

He didn't answer, but she felt him swallowing hard. So that was it. It was really her that caused all of this turmoil in him. 

"If that is what is keeping you from living your life normally... Then I will leave. I can pack my stuff and rent another apartment, far away from your place. You don't have to see me ever again... If that restores your normal life, I will do it, Hiroshi...", she whispered, her tears now uncontrollably flowing down her cheeks, and dripping onto his skin.  


End file.
